Thursday, June 28, 2012

Life Changes

I've been sitting on this information for quite a while because we had to make sure everyone who needed to know knew before I went completely public. I've told my friends and family, but my husband wanted to wait until after his father's visit Memorial Day weekend to announce that we are separating.

We've been married for almost 13 years, together for almost 20. For at least 14 or 15 years, I have been trying to get out of this relationship. It's not an abusive relationship, or even a bad one. I've just not been happy for a very, very long time. Back in 1997 or 1998, I tried to get away by going into the Army, but on the day I was too leave for basic training, I found out I was pregnant. I was discharged and went home. I ended up having a miscarriage but I stuck around. Then in 1999, I moved to North Carolina, trying to start over. He followed. We got married that year. I stuck around because I was afraid I couldn't make it on my own. I was afraid I wouldn't find anyone else. I had so much fear. I had so little self-esteem.

Then we had Sebastian. I was content being a stay-at-home mom. When Sebastian started school, I puttered around for a bit, then got a job in his school cafeteria. I started getting more and more involved in the school, meeting people, making friends.

At the same time, I also started getting into shape and feeling better about myself. The better I felt about myself, and the more social I became, the less content I was at home. Finally, I decided that I had enough. In April, I told him I wanted a divorce. There was some crying, on both our parts, that first night. We were going to come up with a separation agreement and a custody agreement, and we both felt that we could do this without the added expense of lawyers, because we are both so fucking broke. He said he would move out by the end of the following week. I started working on the agreements and I felt a bit of relief that I finally said it. I'd said it before, but this time, he could tell I was pretty serious. I was offering a fair custody arrangement, asking for very reasonable child support, and we had no real assets to split.

The next night was awful. He said he was not moving out because he had too much stuff and nowhere to go. Fuck you, dick. I have a lot of stuff and nowhere to go. He said he can't afford to move out. Like I could? We were in limbo for a couple weeks. He was absolutely not going to even look for a place. And really, I couldn't blame him - we rent from his boss and we get a good deal on the rent as a result. But this house is too big for one person. I don't know what he's going to do when I move out.

Because I am moving out. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that a fresh start is exactly what I needed. So I started doing what I needed to do. A teacher at the school recommended me to her friend who was looking for someone to work front desk at his hotel. I got that job. I was working two jobs at the school and the hotel job. It was nuts, but I loved it.

It's very difficult to find year-round affordable housing here because it's a tourist area. I've been watching Craigslist and reading the paper. I actually made a phone call about a 2 bedroom, then went to look at it. The nice old lady renting it showed it to five people. She ended up renting it to someone different. I tried to get an efficiency apartment that was available, but they didn't want to rent to me because I had a kid. Then I had two places available but I was in the middle of applying to an apartment complex that would be perfect for me. It was a lot of paperwork and I had to be approved. So I didn't know whether or not I wanted to take one of these other places - the rent was higher and they were further away from work. Fortunately, I was approved for the place opening up in the apartment complex. I can't move in for another 4 weeks or so, but they have my deposit, and everything I could have packed up is in my storage unit.

One evening, I spoke with a friend of my husband's. He said this was going to be hard on Sam. I countered that it was hard for me, too. Friend said, "No, because when women make up their minds that they are done, they are done." That really hit me. I am done, and I've been done. There's stuff going on that I'm not going to write about right now, but things that should bother me, just don't, because I am done. Sometimes I wonder if I should try to reconcile with my husband, but really, that is not what I want to do. I have no interest in it whatsoever.

There's more that I can't put "out there" for a while, out of respect for all parties involved (something kind of lacking from the other side). Needless to say, I am quite anxious to move, and I am 100% confident in my decision to do this. And there's one person I need to thank for that, one person who really made me realize that I can't live like this. You probably don't even realize how important you were, but thank you.