Saturday, September 8, 2012

I've been inside my own head a lot.

I don't even know where to start here. I feel the need to write things out but my thoughts are so discombobulated. I'm sure this will just be one big rambling pile of rabbit turds.

My soon to be ex has moved to another county. I think his girlfriend moved in with him. He's been seeing her since about six weeks after I told him I wanted a divorce. It was hard at first, because he would talk to her on the phone and really make a big deal about ditching our son on weekend to go spend time with her. Our biggest fight came after he told me he was leaving to go get laid. He blew off our son's birthday to be where she was. Or she was just there wherever he was on weekends. She works at the tavern/restaurant he helped build, the one he worked at now and then. He doesn't work there anymore because he quit his job about three weeks ago. He just got frustrated and quit. It sucks because it was a good job - he got to do tons of different stuff he liked doing - but I guess he just got tired of the way he was treated. Since his boss also owned the house we rented, he had to move. He found a place closer to the restaurant, which is where he's talked about moving for a while. So he's in the sticks where the hunting is good, away from people. It's ideal for him. Our son can ride his 4-wheeler there.

Sebastian met the girlfriend a couple weeks ago. I didn't meet her until just yesterday. I have no problem with her. She's not what I expected. Probably because she's everything I'm not. She reminds me a lot of Sam's mother, aunts, and cousins. She is probably a much better match for him than I am. And I have known for years and years and years that Sam and I have nothing in common and are not a good match.

I posted, like I always do, on Facebook, and a friend made a comment that Sam's a douche. I'm going to paste what I wrote there so I can expand on it here.

"I don't know if I'd really say that [that he is a douche]. He just doesn't think. And right now, he's without everything he's ever known his entire adult life. His wife left him, his job was stressful, he had his work injuries to deal with. I think he's as ready for change as I was but he's just overwhelmed. And he doesn't know how to be alone. He doesn't want to be alone. That's the difference between the two of us. Not that I want to be alone. I don't really need someone here when I come home at night. I like not having another adult around. I've actually been thinking a lot about it for a few days. I miss things that I never really had with him anyway. We were just people living in the same house for so, so long. There was no passion, no romance, no fun. I'd like those things with someone, but I don't feel incomplete without them. Not yet, anyway. I have plenty of time to meet people and find EXACTLY what I want, and trust me - I am going to be very picky. I was playing around on and POF [Plenty of Fish] and holy shit, they really ask a lot of questions. But it made me realize there are certain qualities I don't want in a relationship, and I'm not going to accept them just to be with someone."

While I was married, I always insisted that I didn't need passion and romance but I really think I was just trying to convince myself because Sam's not the romantic and passionate kind of guy. Looking back, I realize we had absolutely no chemistry. I really have to wonder why the hell we were even together. I know he was upset when I first dropped the divorce in his lap, but I think he's now as relieved as I am. And his girlfriend really does seem more his type. She's older than I am (though he is younger than I am), they both have kids in their twenties (she also has a 2 year old). He is living in the type of environment he's always wanted. I think he can truly be content there, with her or without. But I don't see him being alone. He's never had to take care of himself. He went from living with his mother to living with me. I had to show him how to pay his bills when we separated!

Since I've moved into my own place, I've really tried to be understanding and flexible. I understand why he quit is job - it was an asswhip, and he really had taken the beating for so long. There were many times during our marriage when he wanted to leave, when I actually encouraged him to look for something else. But he stuck with it to support us, and I love him for that. But now, he really had no reason. Yes, he still has to support his son, but the pressure to worry about a family isn't there anymore. And I would like to go on record and say that he has not missed a child support payment. He has sold stuff and is picking up side jobs to make money. I don't know how hard he is trying to find a job. I know he put in an application somewhere, and he has friends checking around. I'm sure he will find something, and as long as he has money coming in, he will at least pay me what we agreed on for support each week. He may not be able to cover his half of the child care bill, which is minimal, but I'm not concerned about that. I'm keeping track though. Our agreement on that was, instead of each of us paying half every week, we'd switch every four weeks. We're only three weeks in. At the very least, he will give me money. He may eventually cut back on his visitation, which is every weekend.

I'd like to say that's okay, but I'm not really sure. On the one hand, I might need to work weekends (because if for some reason Sam doesn't pay support, I need to be able to make up the difference) and I'd also like to have a social life. Eventually, I will start dating again, and I'm not going to have people coming over to the house when Sebastian is here. Sam may not care about that, but I do. A lot of people frown upon overnight guests in situations such as mine. I don't really have a problem if Sam does it but I know I would be uncomfortable with it in my home.

So where does that leave me? Like I said in my Facebook post, I miss things that I never had with Sam. I really thought I just didn't care about those things, but for reasons I won't get into here, I do. Funny. I'm such an open book and tend to overshare frequently, but this one important thing, the one thing that opened my eyes, is something I refuse to talk about in public. I didn't do anything wrong or illegal. It just involves other people and it's not my place to speak for them and about them, even without naming names. Needless to say, I would probably like those things very much. I don't need someone to take care of me, like Sam does. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, and Sebastian. What I will need at some point is someone to make me laugh, someone to talk to, someone to learn from. Someone with common interests.

I don't know what kind of relationships I'm looking for. I want to make more friends and hang out. Sebastian is at his dad's for the weekend and I've been sitting at my computer watching TV shows for the last two days. I'd kill for something to actually do. My free time is going to be very limited. I am now PTO president and I'll be working multiple jobs. Add in that I don't know how to meet people and lack the confidence to put myself in new social situations, it's pretty terrifying. My friends are trying to talk me into trying Match & Plenty of Fish. I honestly don't have the patience to set up a profile. I've been working on it but it's hard to represent myself and still be appealing. I'm a great person to be around. I'm smart and funny and loyal and hard working. I'm also emotionally needy, easily angered and a bit of a freak. I'm not comfortable sexting, which seems to be what a lot of people like to do these days, but I love to flirt. I over-think things and get paranoid. Obviously, I'm not ready for anything serious, but I worry that I will never be ready and able to be in a relationship.

But I have time. And as I said, I am going to be picky. I'm not going to overlook qualities that I don't want just so I won't be alone. I've been joking for the last few weeks about building the perfect man. I could list specific things but really, he doesn't have to love Whose Line Is It Anyway. He just needs to appreciate humor. He doesn't have to sing like Brent Smith of Shinedown. He just needs a passion for good music. He doesn't have to have Channing Tatum's muscles, but he does need to take care of himself. He does need to be very smart and funny and compassionate and open minded. It may take me a while to find him (or her - I'm not ruling that out) but that's okay because I deserve to have exactly what I want.