I know I've said it a billion fucking times but I am absolutely going to get back into shape. And I'm going to do it by the time I run complete my half marathon in April. The week before this ridiculousness, I will be in Virginia getting certified to teach Turbo Kick. So in April, I'll be crossing two things off my bucket list. There are at least 10 other things on that list I'd like to cross off, as well.
I have a trip (or two) to Massachusetts planned. I am finally going to meet my workout buddy, Melissa. We've been each other's "support system" for weight loss and fitness for...close to 3 years now? She has had much better success than I have. I love her so much, and she's been trying to get me up there for a while. I am finally going to do it. Love you, bitch!
My plan for the summer is to work very, very long hours and start building up a bit of savings so I can move. To where, I don't know. I just know I'm not meant to be here on the Outer Banks long term.
Of course, I'll be able to put my marriage behind me. I'm looking forward to that. I think it is absolutely fucking ridiculous that the state of North Carolina makes married couples be separated for a year (and a day!!) before filing for divorce.
I don't make resolutions, but here's some meaningless shit I'd like to accomplish in 2013:
go see more movies
develop some sort of social life
make more friends
read more books (especially classics and non fiction)
seize the fucking day!!!
I'm working on my playlist for the Flying Pirate in April. The race has a four-hour time limit, so I want about 4 1/2 hours worth of music, maybe 5. I like rock, and I don't really keep up with current radio. I would like some suggestions for what to include. Specific songs would be most helpful, any genre.
I'll keep updating this post as I add to my playlist.
Battle of One - 30 Seconds to Mars
Closer to the Edge - 30 Seconds to Mars
The Fantasy - 30 Seconds to Mars
She - Green Day
Twisted Transistor - Korn
Astro Zombies - My Chemical Romance
Welcome to the Black Parade - My Chemical Romance
Famous Last Words - My Chemical Romance
Kill All Your Friends - My Chemical Romance
My Way Home Is Through You - My Chemical Romance
Heaven Help Us - My Chemical Romance
Desolation Row - My Chemical Romance
Planetary (GO!) - My Chemical Romance
Too Bad - Nickelback
Yesterday - Staind
Thnks Fr th Mmrs - Fall Out Boy
I Like It - Enrique Iglesias
Dog Days Are Over - Florence + the Machine
We Found Love - Rihanna
DJ Got Us Falling In Love Again - Usher
2012 was a crazy year. I started off with the toughest physical challenge of my life (the Georgia Spartan Sprint), muddled through the biggest emotional challenge of my life (my separation which will ultimately lead to divorce - damn this stupid fucking state for the mandatory year and a day waiting period!!), and ended with some finding myself and looking forward. I have big plans for next year, which I'll blog about in a few days. This post is all about the music. Music always gets me through. It's my best friend, and these are the songs that helped me heal. Lots of tears were shed, lots of anger was released, and ultimately, I have come out of this happy.
Rihanna - We Found Love
Fun - We Are Young
Kelly Clarkson - Stronger
Shinedown - For My Sake
Shinedown - I'm Not Alright
Usher - DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love Again
Enrique Iglesias - I Like It
Pink - Blow Me (One Last Kiss)
Lady Gaga - Edge of Glory
Victorious Cast - All I Want Is Everything
Florence + The Machine - Dog Days Are Over
Shinedown - Her Name Is Alice
Shinedown - Diamond Eyes
Shinedown - I'm Alive
You could say I really fucking like Shinedown. But there you have it. That was pretty much the playlist from May through December.
The last two months have been exhausting and stressful but I have seriously never been happier!!!
When I last posted, I was talking about meeting me ex's girlfriend. I said she wasn't what I expected and I didn't really have any issues. But a week later, THE FUCKING CUNT RAG BITCH HIT MY SON!!! He called me crying on the phone, and I laid into my ex, who completely sided with his girlfriend. I went fucking ape shit. I called Child Protective Services, who said they could not open a case because there wasn't enough to go on. Okay, fine. I called Sebastian's therapist and posted on my board, completely at a loss as to what to do. Across the board, the answer was lawyer the fuck up. So pretty fucking quick, that is what I did. It cost me every fucking cent I had to retain her and file for custody. The next weekend, on the advice of my lawyer and Sebastian's therapist, I did not let Sebastian go with his dad. My ex flipped the fuck out, but mostly acted all big and bad, pretty much saying I was going to lose custody of Sebastian and end up with supervised visitation. When you're angry, you say stupid shit. He was mad, but he was mad at the wrong fucking person. Be pissed off at the asshole hitting your son, not the mother trying to protect him.
Long story short, my ex met with Sebastian's therapist and agreed to not let his girlfriend hit Sebastian anymore. And the girlfriend has a criminal record a mile fucking long - assaults, probation violations, FELONY FUCKING DRUG CONVICTION. I'm just dying to post her fucking name and specifics here, but I won't. You can be damn sure though, if she ever lays a fucking hand on my kid again, I will hurt her. I will break every mother fucking finger on her hands, one by one.
Oh, and my lawyer was a waste of money because she didn't do shit, and the shit she did do, she fucked up. She's useless and she doesn't answer any of my questions. I would like to post her name, too, but I won't. I sure as shit won't be recommending her to anyone. Sam and I had mediation and have worked everything out and all is well. He has a real job now, and has visitation every weekend.
HAPPY DANCE!!! My weekends are for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Sebastian can stay with me when he wants to but right now, he wants to be with his dad. Sam has been taking him hunting. Sebastian has gotten two deer so far - a 5-point buck and a doe! I'm so proud of him.
Aside from wasting money on a lawyer, I'm also wasting money on a new vehicle. Well, a used vehicle, but new to me. My Tracer was acting up and the mechanic who "fixed" it didn't do fuck shit. He must be related to my lawyer. So I traded it in for a Kia Rondo. The monthly payments are affordable and my insurance didn't go up too much, but the god damn sales tax hit me hard. So for the last two months, I have had no freaking money. I'll get caught up on my bills next week - once a month paychecks suck - unless something else disastrous happens.
Oh, but there is good news. I am now employed full time with fucking benefits, bitches!!! I will still need a summer job and maybe a part time second job but for right now, I'm not going to stress it too much. Yes, my weekends are free for me to work but....
I fucking met a really awesome mother fucker!!! I have no shame in admitting that curiosity got the best of me and I put up a profile on an online dating site. I had a bunch of guys message me, only a few were interesting enough to message back, and very few were interested in anything other than sex. I'd pretty much decided by the end of the second month that this was a waste of time.
Then I got THE message. It was about The X Files and ER, two things I mentioned in my profile. So this guy was paying attention and took the time to actually quote Mulder & Scully, then show actual knowledge of ER. I was impressed. Not so much with his profile, which had not a whole fucking lot on it. I had to reply to the guy, but wasn't quite sure what to say. I did comment on what he said about ER, but I also like to show that I've actually read a dude's profile by saying something about what they have on theirs. So I grasped at whatever I could relate to. We ended up chatting for a while, and he mentioned something else in my profile, and that led to him asking if I wanted to get a drink with him the following weekend. I said sure - thinking it probably wouldn't happen because I never followed through with any other "hey, we should meet" messages.
But then he called me the following evening and we talked on the phone a bit and he asked again. I said yes, thinking it might actually happen and what the fuck had I gotten myself into???? We spent the week texting and I found myself really, really looking forward to meeting him. We talked on the phone a few more times because he is not big on texting and there were a few times he wanted to clarify something he texted. So he is considerate. And the more we communicated, the more I couldn't wait!!! We were going to meet on a Sunday (because I had a thing on Friday and he had a thing on Saturday) to play pool and meet, but then Hurricane Sandy was coming. He asked me if I wanted to go get a drink after my thing. Without really thinking about it, I said okay. HOLY FUCK! I was actually going to meet some dude off the internet!! Then I couldn't figure out where to meet for a drink. I'm not a bar person, he's not a bar person. So crazy fucking me, broke the Number 1 Rule of Online Dating for Women and I invited him over to my apartment. We actually met in public (at my thing) but immediately drove to my place.
I lived to tell about it. We had a couple beers, started talking. He talked a lot. I was content to listen. He's so smart and so damn funny. And beautiful. OMG, I can never take my eyes off of him when we're together. He stayed that night until about four in the morning. We spent all that time just talking. Okay, we made out a bit lot, too. He is fucking awesome. The next day, he went and did his thing. We texted, talked on the phone. Then Sunday, we spent 3 hours talking on the phone and he convinced me that he should come over. I didn't really want him to drive in the tropical storm force winds, but he is a pretty persuasive mother fucker. So he drove the hour in the wind and rain to spend time with me. And we talked and talked and talked. He continued to make me laugh and damn, he is smart! His smart is different from mine. He can think theoretically and in the abstract. He is foul-mouthed and perverted and the perfect height. He is warm and smooth to touch and OMG.
The following weekend, he had his kids, but they wanted to spend the night at his parents' house. So he came to see me again. And then this weekend, he was back. We had a minor issue with irrational woman syndrome but he is a good listener and pretty fucking observant. He didn't run for the hills when I freaked out, so I think things are still okay. I need learn to live in the now, and I need to actually go out and do stuff with him. That all scares me, and living in the now is hard. I'm a planner. And I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to invest the time and energy and emotions into something that isn't going to work out. Neither of us is ready for any kind of commitment and we're both very guarded, but I am pretty damn sure we like each other a hell of a lot. I probably won't see him for another two weeks, but that's okay. We have lives. I'm settling into mine, and to be honest, the thought of any changes scares the shit out of me. I don't want to get into my routine and then have something change. I do want more than just sex with this guy, but I'm afraid I'll end up wanting too much too soon, because I am very impulsive and I jump into everything feet first and fairly blind. I'm afraid to hope for anything. That's going to be my downfall.
I don't even know where to start here. I feel the need to write things out but my thoughts are so discombobulated. I'm sure this will just be one big rambling pile of rabbit turds.
My soon to be ex has moved to another county. I think his girlfriend moved in with him. He's been seeing her since about six weeks after I told him I wanted a divorce. It was hard at first, because he would talk to her on the phone and really make a big deal about ditching our son on weekend to go spend time with her. Our biggest fight came after he told me he was leaving to go get laid. He blew off our son's birthday to be where she was. Or she was just there wherever he was on weekends. She works at the tavern/restaurant he helped build, the one he worked at now and then. He doesn't work there anymore because he quit his job about three weeks ago. He just got frustrated and quit. It sucks because it was a good job - he got to do tons of different stuff he liked doing - but I guess he just got tired of the way he was treated. Since his boss also owned the house we rented, he had to move. He found a place closer to the restaurant, which is where he's talked about moving for a while. So he's in the sticks where the hunting is good, away from people. It's ideal for him. Our son can ride his 4-wheeler there.
Sebastian met the girlfriend a couple weeks ago. I didn't meet her until just yesterday. I have no problem with her. She's not what I expected. Probably because she's everything I'm not. She reminds me a lot of Sam's mother, aunts, and cousins. She is probably a much better match for him than I am. And I have known for years and years and years that Sam and I have nothing in common and are not a good match.
I posted, like I always do, on Facebook, and a friend made a comment that Sam's a douche. I'm going to paste what I wrote there so I can expand on it here.
"I don't know if I'd really say that [that he is a douche]. He just doesn't think. And right now, he's without everything he's ever known his entire adult life. His wife left him, his job was stressful, he had his work injuries to deal with. I think he's as ready for change as I was but he's just overwhelmed. And he doesn't know how to be alone. He doesn't want to be alone. That's the difference between the two of us. Not that I want to be alone. I don't really need someone here when I come home at night. I like not having another adult around. I've actually been thinking a lot about it for a few days. I miss things that I never really had with him anyway. We were just people living in the same house for so, so long. There was no passion, no romance, no fun. I'd like those things with someone, but I don't feel incomplete without them. Not yet, anyway. I have plenty of time to meet people and find EXACTLY what I want, and trust me - I am going to be very picky. I was playing around on Match.com and POF [Plenty of Fish] and holy shit, they really ask a lot of questions. But it made me realize there are certain qualities I don't want in a relationship, and I'm not going to accept them just to be with someone."
While I was married, I always insisted that I didn't need passion and romance but I really think I was just trying to convince myself because Sam's not the romantic and passionate kind of guy. Looking back, I realize we had absolutely no chemistry. I really have to wonder why the hell we were even together. I know he was upset when I first dropped the divorce in his lap, but I think he's now as relieved as I am. And his girlfriend really does seem more his type. She's older than I am (though he is younger than I am), they both have kids in their twenties (she also has a 2 year old). He is living in the type of environment he's always wanted. I think he can truly be content there, with her or without. But I don't see him being alone. He's never had to take care of himself. He went from living with his mother to living with me. I had to show him how to pay his bills when we separated!
Since I've moved into my own place, I've really tried to be understanding and flexible. I understand why he quit is job - it was an asswhip, and he really had taken the beating for so long. There were many times during our marriage when he wanted to leave, when I actually encouraged him to look for something else. But he stuck with it to support us, and I love him for that. But now, he really had no reason. Yes, he still has to support his son, but the pressure to worry about a family isn't there anymore. And I would like to go on record and say that he has not missed a child support payment. He has sold stuff and is picking up side jobs to make money. I don't know how hard he is trying to find a job. I know he put in an application somewhere, and he has friends checking around. I'm sure he will find something, and as long as he has money coming in, he will at least pay me what we agreed on for support each week. He may not be able to cover his half of the child care bill, which is minimal, but I'm not concerned about that. I'm keeping track though. Our agreement on that was, instead of each of us paying half every week, we'd switch every four weeks. We're only three weeks in. At the very least, he will give me money. He may eventually cut back on his visitation, which is every weekend.
I'd like to say that's okay, but I'm not really sure. On the one hand, I might need to work weekends (because if for some reason Sam doesn't pay support, I need to be able to make up the difference) and I'd also like to have a social life. Eventually, I will start dating again, and I'm not going to have people coming over to the house when Sebastian is here. Sam may not care about that, but I do. A lot of people frown upon overnight guests in situations such as mine. I don't really have a problem if Sam does it but I know I would be uncomfortable with it in my home.
So where does that leave me? Like I said in my Facebook post, I miss things that I never had with Sam. I really thought I just didn't care about those things, but for reasons I won't get into here, I do. Funny. I'm such an open book and tend to overshare frequently, but this one important thing, the one thing that opened my eyes, is something I refuse to talk about in public. I didn't do anything wrong or illegal. It just involves other people and it's not my place to speak for them and about them, even without naming names. Needless to say, I would probably like those things very much. I don't need someone to take care of me, like Sam does. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, and Sebastian. What I will need at some point is someone to make me laugh, someone to talk to, someone to learn from. Someone with common interests.
I don't know what kind of relationships I'm looking for. I want to make more friends and hang out. Sebastian is at his dad's for the weekend and I've been sitting at my computer watching TV shows for the last two days. I'd kill for something to actually do. My free time is going to be very limited. I am now PTO president and I'll be working multiple jobs. Add in that I don't know how to meet people and lack the confidence to put myself in new social situations, it's pretty terrifying. My friends are trying to talk me into trying Match & Plenty of Fish. I honestly don't have the patience to set up a profile. I've been working on it but it's hard to represent myself and still be appealing. I'm a great person to be around. I'm smart and funny and loyal and hard working. I'm also emotionally needy, easily angered and a bit of a freak. I'm not comfortable sexting, which seems to be what a lot of people like to do these days, but I love to flirt. I over-think things and get paranoid. Obviously, I'm not ready for anything serious, but I worry that I will never be ready and able to be in a relationship.
But I have time. And as I said, I am going to be picky. I'm not going to overlook qualities that I don't want just so I won't be alone. I've been joking for the last few weeks about building the perfect man. I could list specific things but really, he doesn't have to love Whose Line Is It Anyway. He just needs to appreciate humor. He doesn't have to sing like Brent Smith of Shinedown. He just needs a passion for good music. He doesn't have to have Channing Tatum's muscles, but he does need to take care of himself. He does need to be very smart and funny and compassionate and open minded. It may take me a while to find him (or her - I'm not ruling that out) but that's okay because I deserve to have exactly what I want.
Sebastian and I have been in our new place for just under a month and it's going very well. School resumes on Monday and I'm going to be looking for another job (because mine is seasonal). I'm hoping we get into a good routine.
Here are pictures of the new place. I love it. It doesn't really feel like home yet, but I'm looking forward to winter and just getting into the habit of being a single mom. Even though there is a lot of uncertainty, I'm very happy.
The other day, Shinedown's new album, Amaryllis, was available from Amazon for a mere 99 cents. Being the cheap person that I am, I jumped on that deal. Actually, I first checked how much I had in gift cards because I hate charging a buck to my debit card. I had nothing!! Panic set it, then I remembered I had some gift cards coming from Swag Bucks. I was pleased to not only find the one I was expecting, but another I had forgotten about! So yay $10. I added it to my account, purchased the album and went on my merry way.
Now, I really enjoy Shinedown. I didn't discover them until their third album. I went back through their singles and realized I liked them very much. Amaryllis, their 4th album, came out in March. I knew it was coming out, but just forgot about it. So, I gave it a listen. By the third song, I was in love. I posted on Facebook, tagging one of my Shinedown friends, about how great it was. And every song just got better and better. I listened to it non-stop for two days, foregoing my usual nighttime classical music in favor of Brent's vocals.
My love for the album led to a brief exchange between my friend and me. After gushing (again) about how much I loved the album, she said, "It could be your coming back to life album." And that's exactly what I had been thinking. Something about the album made me feel new, and really seemed to fit in with this turning point in my life. So I posted, "It's amazing how people and things come into your life exactly when you need them!!" To which, she replied, "Yes, it is. It's also amazing when you don't even realize it until later. I have been through things and had people in my life who I no longer remain in contact with, but for the time they were there the impact and significance was amazing. I look back and think about them and know a higher power placed them in my life at the exact moment I needed them, and removed them when I no longer did."
My friends are wicked smart. There have been people in my life recently who were there exactly when I needed them. Some of them, as she said, are no longer needed. At first, I was sad about the people who are no longer central to my life but I'm realizing that they were there for me when I needed them most, and that's what counts. I miss them, but every day, I'm a little more okay with it.
There are still great people in my life. I was recently introduced to Tina. She's a friend of a friend who thought we would get along fairly well. To say we get along is a massive understatement. We call each other "pea" because we're so alike, it's scary. We even sound the same. Our kids are peas, too. She's going through similar things to me. I love her. She's coming to the area in August and I cannot fucking wait to actually meet her! This goes back to people and things coming into your life when you need them. I have needed Tina. She's gotten me through some pretty emotional shit. She and Amy, my long time Internet BFF, have been my rocks throughout the separation and other side nonsense. I love them so much and I can't thank them enough for getting me through this. I have another friend, but I screwed things up and I miss her terribly. This casualty of my separation from my husband is the only thing I regret, and I wish I would have handled things differently. I hope that someday, our friendship can be restored. She's amazing, and she was there when I needed her. I still need her.
But enough with the sadz. Here's my Shinedown song, the one that really resonates with me right now.
[Verse 1:] I remember like yesterday You had a dream in your eyes and a smile on your face And I'm missing those days again, yeah I'm missing those days again And I forgot what really got in the way Maybe the sun that wouldn't shine should be taking the blame Cause its raining on me again, yeah its raining on me again
[Bridge:] A paradox The key you dropped A manifest For what you lost, was me For my sake please...
[Chorus:] Stop slowing me down, stop holding me up Quit making a scene, enough's enough. Let's be honest, your promise, was never meant to last So I'm taking you on, I'm calling you out. There's nothing left for us here now. Let's be honest, I promise, I'm never lookin' back for my sake. For my sake.
[Verse 2:] Tell me something that's poetic at best Make me believe there was a time that you weren't like the rest And I'll never ask you again, and I'll never ask you again For all the moments and the memories No one could ever say we never had a history But I'm leaving that all behind And there is nothing gonna change my mind
[Bridge:] A paradox The key you dropped A manifest For what you lost, was me For my sake please...
[Chorus:] Stop slowing me down, stop holding me up Quit making a scene, enough's enough. Let's be honest, your promise, was never meant to last So I'm taking you on, I'm calling you out. There's nothing left for us here now. Let's be honest, I promise, I'm never lookin' back for my sake. For my sake.
[Bridge:] A paradox The key you dropped A manifest For what you lost, was me For my sake Please... Stop slowing me down Stop holding me up Stop slowing me down Enough's enough
[Chorus:] Stop slowing me down, stop holding me up Quit making a scene, enough's enough. Let's be honest, your promise, was never meant to last So I'm taking you on, I'm calling you out. There's nothing left for us here now. Let's be honest, I promise, I'm never lookin' back for my sake. I'm never lookin' back, for my sake. For my sake For my sake
And by her Facebook wall, but you have to be my friend to see that. I love social media, especially Facebook. I rant and rave and be inappropriate. I have some friends who are also very inappropriate and I love them. I also love my friends who are classy. My friends who are classy AND inappropriate...well, they are the best ones.
I haven't gone hog-wild with the Pinning. I don't have an overwhelming number of boards. I actually started using Pinterest to keep track of the items on my bucket list. It was hard to keep explaining what zorbing is. And I like looking at pretty things. And of course I love to eat, even things I shouldn't.
One day whilst pinning, I noticed how random and chaotic my pins were. Then I realized that "random and chaotic" describes me so well. Hell, look at this blog. There's no common theme. I just vomit up whatever.
I've been sitting on this information for quite a while because we had to make sure everyone who needed to know knew before I went completely public. I've told my friends and family, but my husband wanted to wait until after his father's visit Memorial Day weekend to announce that we are separating.
We've been married for almost 13 years, together for almost 20. For at least 14 or 15 years, I have been trying to get out of this relationship. It's not an abusive relationship, or even a bad one. I've just not been happy for a very, very long time. Back in 1997 or 1998, I tried to get away by going into the Army, but on the day I was too leave for basic training, I found out I was pregnant. I was discharged and went home. I ended up having a miscarriage but I stuck around. Then in 1999, I moved to North Carolina, trying to start over. He followed. We got married that year. I stuck around because I was afraid I couldn't make it on my own. I was afraid I wouldn't find anyone else. I had so much fear. I had so little self-esteem.
Then we had Sebastian. I was content being a stay-at-home mom. When Sebastian started school, I puttered around for a bit, then got a job in his school cafeteria. I started getting more and more involved in the school, meeting people, making friends.
At the same time, I also started getting into shape and feeling better about myself. The better I felt about myself, and the more social I became, the less content I was at home. Finally, I decided that I had enough. In April, I told him I wanted a divorce. There was some crying, on both our parts, that first night. We were going to come up with a separation agreement and a custody agreement, and we both felt that we could do this without the added expense of lawyers, because we are both so fucking broke. He said he would move out by the end of the following week. I started working on the agreements and I felt a bit of relief that I finally said it. I'd said it before, but this time, he could tell I was pretty serious. I was offering a fair custody arrangement, asking for very reasonable child support, and we had no real assets to split.
The next night was awful. He said he was not moving out because he had too much stuff and nowhere to go. Fuck you, dick. I have a lot of stuff and nowhere to go. He said he can't afford to move out. Like I could? We were in limbo for a couple weeks. He was absolutely not going to even look for a place. And really, I couldn't blame him - we rent from his boss and we get a good deal on the rent as a result. But this house is too big for one person. I don't know what he's going to do when I move out.
Because I am moving out. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that a fresh start is exactly what I needed. So I started doing what I needed to do. A teacher at the school recommended me to her friend who was looking for someone to work front desk at his hotel. I got that job. I was working two jobs at the school and the hotel job. It was nuts, but I loved it.
It's very difficult to find year-round affordable housing here because it's a tourist area. I've been watching Craigslist and reading the paper. I actually made a phone call about a 2 bedroom, then went to look at it. The nice old lady renting it showed it to five people. She ended up renting it to someone different. I tried to get an efficiency apartment that was available, but they didn't want to rent to me because I had a kid. Then I had two places available but I was in the middle of applying to an apartment complex that would be perfect for me. It was a lot of paperwork and I had to be approved. So I didn't know whether or not I wanted to take one of these other places - the rent was higher and they were further away from work. Fortunately, I was approved for the place opening up in the apartment complex. I can't move in for another 4 weeks or so, but they have my deposit, and everything I could have packed up is in my storage unit.
One evening, I spoke with a friend of my husband's. He said this was going to be hard on Sam. I countered that it was hard for me, too. Friend said, "No, because when women make up their minds that they are done, they are done." That really hit me. I am done, and I've been done. There's stuff going on that I'm not going to write about right now, but things that should bother me, just don't, because I am done. Sometimes I wonder if I should try to reconcile with my husband, but really, that is not what I want to do. I have no interest in it whatsoever.
There's more that I can't put "out there" for a while, out of respect for all parties involved (something kind of lacking from the other side). Needless to say, I am quite anxious to move, and I am 100% confident in my decision to do this. And there's one person I need to thank for that, one person who really made me realize that I can't live like this. You probably don't even realize how important you were, but thank you.
I spent part of my Easter afternoon at the movie theater. There was a couple there who looked like they may have been on the actual ship. The original plan to see Titanic in 3D was to see it on April 14, 100 years to the day since the ship hit the iceberg. If I've done my research thoroughly, going by east coast time, the hitting of the iceberg and the sinking both take place on April 14, whereas the ship's local time puts the sinking on the morning of April 15. Anyway, seeing the schedule of show times (once on week days, twice on weekend days), I couldn't risk that the movie wouldn't still be in our theater on the day I wanted to see it. So I went on Easter Sunday. I used Titanic as incentive - I posted on Facebook that if I ran my entire Bunny Hop 5K on Saturday, I would treat myself. Well, I did run it all, but I was too tired to go see it Saturday. I wasn't going to see it Sunday either, but that nagging feeling that it wouldn't be here long swayed me at the last minute and I grabbed a pack of tissues and some cash.
It had been a very long time since I'd seen the movie, which first came out December 19, 1997. I want to say I saw it on opening day, but to be honest, I don't remember. I know I saw it in theaters four times, once on Valentine's Day with my friend, Amanda. When it came out on VHS, I bought it. When we bought a DVD player, I bought the DVD. When the special edition came out, I bought that, as well. I think there are five or six different "versions" of this movie in my collection. When we bought our 55" HDTV two years ago, I wanted to see the movie on "the big screen" but I also wanted to see it in high definition. I hurried to Amazon to order the blu ray, but there was no blu ray version. I have refused to watch Titanic on my television at home until I have it on blu ray. [On a very happy note, when I (just today) searched Amazon for a link to the dvd, I found out that the blu ray will be released September 14!!!!!!!!!!!! I pre-ordered it, and it cost me nothing, thanks to all the Amazon gift cards I earn through SwagBucks.] I did, however, let Sebastian watch it at home. He was begging me to take him to see it, but I didn't think he could sit still for the entire movie. Surprisingly, he did sit and watch most of it. He spent maybe half hour total playing with Legos while it was on. He was fascinated with the movie, until Jack died. Then he cried a lot and said it was the worst movie ever. He has my sensitive side. He cried at Toy Story 3. I tried not to focus on the dvd too much, and the picture quality did kind of suck, so I didn't start watching until Lightoller and Murdoch take over for Captain Smith after Jack and Rose do the nasty in the back seat of that car. But as per usual, I started crying at some point, and I think that bothered Sebastian, too. At first he was making fun of me because I'm a Titanic cry baby, but then he said his eyes hurt and he didn't know why. Then the floodgates opened and it was a sob-fest for both of us.
I went back to the theater to see it again on April 14, with two of my really good friends. I held it together pretty well, and I thought I was actually going to get through the whole movie without crying, but when Rose let go of Jack and she swam to the whistle, I cried. I should put it on my Bucket List to get through the movie without crying.
I have a theory about why I cry every time I watch the movie. My grandmother passed away on December 22, 1997, three days after the movie premiered. I think one of the reasons I went to see it so many times, why this movie made me feel all of the emotions that it does, is because of her passing. I needed to grieve, and Titanic helped the tears flow. It gave me an excuse to cry. Or maybe her passing gave me an excuse to cry at the movie. I don't know. I do know that the two are related.
I have to wonder how I would react in a situation like Titanic. I'm pretty good with unexpected chaos but I have never been all that great in an emergency situation. Watching the movie, I can't even imagine how the people on the ship felt - the survivors and those who were lost. I think about dying all the time, and it scares the hell out of me. I often wonder if I would want to know in advance when and/or how I was going to die. I don't think so. Just thinking about the fact that I will die someday depresses me and makes me panic. I don't even want to think about it right now to blog about it. I know I would have been one of those poor steerage people. After all, I am a person of limited means.
While I am not obsessive about Titanic (mostly because I lack money and space for such a hobby), I do have more stuff than I realized. Pardon the mess. I'm storing all this stuff in our spare room. When we move to Montana, or wherever the hell we end up that's not east coast of North Carolina, I am going to have a Titanic room. Actually, it will probably be my office, with all my crap on display. Maybe I'll have a laptop with nothing but Titanic bookmarks and programs and documents and pictures. Okay, maybe not.
My step-daughter drew two of the Titanic pictures when she was younger. The empty spot is where a model of the boat once hung, but when my husband was closing in the window, it fell off the wall and broke. He didn't even realize it. I found it shattered under the bed a year later :(
My son made this for me all by himself.
This was a college graduation gift from my husband. I also have matching earrings and a ring.
The model is actually the second one I've had. We started working on one and didn't finish, and it broke, so we got a new one. We haven't taken it out of the box, but the box is smashed. The board game is pretty fun. I also had a 3D foam puzzle but it got lost when we moved from New York to North Carolina.
I used to have a "regular" copy of the DVD but I gave it away when I got the special 10 year anniversary edition. I have quite a few specials recorded to VHS. At one point, I had a PC game but I could never figure out how to play it.
The black binder is a printed copy of the script that I got online before I bought a copy of the screenplay.
Yes, I have two copies of that one book LOL
This is the Titanic Sebastian drew for me just today. I could have sworn he drew one for me that was very much like the one Brandy drew, but I couldn't find it.
So why so much emphasis on the movie and not so much on the real thing? I've been interested in Titanic ever since I read about it in a very old Encyclopedia Brittanica (Not to be confused with the Britannic, a sister ship to Titanic). Back then, the "facts" were that an iceberg tore a 300 foot gash in the side. Of course, now we know it didn't happen quite like that, and what we continue to learn from the wreckage is astonishing. For all the love I have for Titanic, there's still so much I don't know. I need to spend some time getting to know the real history, the real people, to look beyond the the grandness and beauty of James Cameron's film. Watching the movie in theaters is amazing. The attention to detail in the replications, the sheer size of the ship's propellers as it lifts out of the water...it's all just...wow to me.
And let us not forget the love story. I am absolutely, madly in love with Kate Winslet. I love Kate Winslet, even though Titanic is the only thing I've ever seen her in. (Kind of like the way I love Gillian Anderson but have only seen her in The X Files.) And who knew Kate could sing???
It makes me wonder if she could sing Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On. Oh wait...
Not the love story between me and Kate. The love story between Jack and Rose. I don't think Jack is really all that and a bag of chips, but I can definitely see how Rose would be attracted to someone so different from Cal. When you feel stuck and unhappy, it's easy to fall for someone (or even think you've fallen for someone) who is not at all like the person you're with. Rose's courage to walk away from wealth and security in favor of passion and adventure is something I wish I had. Not that I have wealth to walk away from...
But at the same time Cal seems to love her. Sure, he's a possessive ass but in the end, he still wanted her to get on the lifeboat. He sacrificed his sure shot at survival to make sure she was safe. Of course, she got off the damn lifeboat to be a whore to a gutter rat. That's usually the part that makes me stop crying...when the lifeboat lowers and the music starts again and the flares light up her face as she stares up at Jack. The music is always what gets me.
I think the "best" part of Titanic is James Horner's soundtracks. They are haunting. The music is so stunningly beautiful that it often takes my breath away. The Deep and Timeless Sea, in particular, moves me. I've often thought that this track is birth and life and death and eternity all in 12 minutes 37 seconds. I could listen to it forever. It's on my list of songs that must be played at my celebration of life party once I'm an urn full of ashes.
I walked down the aisle to this song, beginning at the 7:20 mark.
I realize I'm all over the map with this post but I've been having a hard time organizing my thoughts lately. My love for this movie is beyond ridiculous. I'm going to try to go see it one more time in theaters, hopefully next Sunday after my stressful weekend is over. I also want to take the time to learn more about the ship, its passengers and crew, the science and the theories behind this fascinating piece of history. It would certainly be a better use of my time than getting pissed off on Babycenter. Then maybe someday I can come back and do a post about Titanic that's actually meaningful instead of this stuff I just vomited up. That's the thing I don't like about blogging, and why I don't do it very often. Stuff sounds so awesome in my head, then I get it down and it's like, damn, I am such an idiot. I have no idea how I got through college without critical thinking skills and the ability to synthesize information.
Come on! It wouldn't be a Becky blog post if I didn't include something offensive.
